16th August 2007, 1:36am in the morning, it finally happened. The confrontation.......Just hated confrontations especially when feelings are involved. But nonetheless I had to face it and be strong whatever the outcome is. It's not the first time anyway and this is how I learn to be a stronger and better person inside.
Him : How are you? Still angry by that incident? I'm really sorry...I know I should'nt have promised u. But I was really busy preparing for the kenduri. It totally slipped my mind.
Tried as hard as I can to calm down.
Me : Dun worry I'll be fine......What do you treat me as? Honestly.
Waiting in anticipation for his answer.
Him : As a friend, in fact closer than that. A friend I can talk my problems with, joke with, laugh with and show my affection with. A friend that's special.
Ok a friend, should i reveal my feelings now that I know? Eyes started to redden and tears starting to collect in my eyes. Oh gosh told myself dun cry but i guess my feelings gets the better of me.
Him : What's wrong? Why are u crying? Is there something that I've done that make u hurt?
Me : Ok let me be frank with u....This heart of mine has fallen for u. That's why every little or big mistakes that u've done made me ticked off and hurt. That last incident was the final straw, I can't contain it any longer. I dun want to talk about whatever mistakes u've done. Let it be, I've forgiven u. I dun like raking up the past anyway. And the kiss....I dunno what u're thinking. I know u're straight but why did u do it? I'm confused! Yes I did not resist u...but well who will if that someone is special in ur heart. You can blame me.....go ahead it's my mistake anyway. Always told myself. Why am I getting angry for little things? Why do I have to fall for u? He's straight and can't possibly love u? Bobiana wake up! But this stupid and stubborn heart of mine just refuse to let go.
I think by this time the staircase was flooded with my tears already.
Me : But it's ok....i'm expecting it anyway. I never asked u to return my love...but can I ask u something? As a "SPECIAL" friend, is my friendship of any value to u even for a little bit? Have u ever cared about my feelings when u do all those things? Or do you regard me only as a colleague and off work I'm a nobody to u? I am not just like a stupid rock where u can do anything u please. I am a human being with feelings and emotions....!
I'm pouring like hell man...have to stop can't talk already......he suddenly put his hands over my shoulder and hug me tightly. Tried calming me down. Of course it helped lah....; )
Him : I'm really really sorry ok for hurting u sooo much......It's my fault. I seriously dunno things gonna turn out this way. Yes I admit I do have feelings for u too but as u know I'm straight and still like girls. I dun want to hurt u. The kiss was not just a kiss. It's my way to tell u that u're special although we can't be together in this lifetime. It turned out u like me. But Pls dun put any feelings for me, you'll only suffer. No matter what u still have a special place in my heart. Pls dun cry. I'm not worth ur tears. I hope we can still be friends after this. Pls dun hate or ignore me. Dun cry ok.....u really look ugly when u cry.
I pinched him....he gave me a stupid funny face and I laugh.
Him : Lepas nie me boleh manja-manja tak lagi.....hehehe...jgnlah merajuk lagi k. Come let's sleep.
Before sleeping he kissed me on my forhead and on the way back way home he took out his ring and gave it to me.
Him : This ring is a symbol that you're my small sister and I'm ur elder brother...meh cium tangan....
Inside my heart......WHATEVER!......
It was such a relief to let it all out.....I felt that my heart is soo much better and lighter. Free from all those sadness. Yes he's still inside my heart but not as a lover but only as a friend. And let's just wait and see how sincere he is with all the things that he said.....Sorry Bobiana is not so naive as to believe to whatever he said......I'm alright ppl dun worry....I feel just like a butterfly out of it's cocoon.
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